Monday and Tuesday came and I didn’t go and to see my father. My sister flew home and was with him along with my mother and brother. After seeing him on Sunday, I needed a day or two to of not waiting and watching for death. I went to work and pretended be with the others in the land of the “business of living.” According to conversations with my sister on Monday and Tuesday, my dad was doing well – he was alert and talking. I decided I would go and see him Thursday that week, the 26th. I checked in as I normally did on Wednesday to see how everything was going. My sister said he was good, alert and even eating. She called me one to two hours later and said things have shifted quickly and dad was considered to be in the “dying phase.” He fell asleep and was not waking.
My heart was on fire. I dropped what I was doing, told a colleague I was leaving and I was in my car, crying and driving. My sister, mother and brother were with him. He was in a deep sleep and the nurses were making him comfortable. I remember saying sorry to my mother when I walked into the room and started crying. I started talking to my father to let him know I was there. I played with his hair which I used to love to do and what he let me do when I was younger. You could see that his body in just a few days had started to shut down, he was so frail and weak. I wanted him so badly to open his eyes one last time to know we where there and he was not alone. I held his hand, stroked his hair and hoped that this was not the end, this moment was not real, that he would give us one more day. That living was forever. I knew that the days we had were already miracles and this was it. The doctor had prepared us it would be in the next 24 to 48 hours although he will not be awake again.
My mother sister and I stayed in the room with him. I knew I didn’t want him to die alone even if he was not awake. His breathing became very labored and conjested – like a deep rattling of the body. Nurses came in to treat him and help him not struggle to breath. My mother and sister were next to my father and I decided to lay down to rest my eyes for a hour. I woke up to the deep rattling breathing, medical name is the death rattle. He was breathing like he had something stuck in his chest, keeping him from clearing a deep and smooth inhale and exhale – it felt like death was near, taking hold and not giving up. I got up around 4:15 a.m. to go to the rest room. When I walked back, I noticed a man walking with a hood on in the hallway. It was like I was dreaming and death was arriving. I went back to the room and the nurse followed me in and asked me if everything was ok. I realized the nurse was the man I saw with his hood on in the hallway. I said yes, that I just had to run to the rest room. In looking back at that moment, the nurse had a Knowing that death was near. I wish in that moment I realized what he had. That instead of trying to go back to sleep, I stayed by my father’s side. Even though we knew it was near, we thought we had more time. One more sun rise, one more warm hand to hold, one more time where he opened his eyes and knew we were with him.
When I got back into the room, my mother was awake holding vigil. I checked in with my father and my mother and laid back down for about 10 minutes and I heard a pop, the rattling had stopped. I turned as my back was towards the wall and my mother was standing over my father holding his hand. I stood up quickly and my mother gasped and said I think he stopped breathing. I went to my sister and woke her.
My father’s last breath was at 4:20 a.m. I realized that pop was his last breath. Life immediately left that room. The coloring of his face, his hands, his lips it all faded so quickly. I felt like someone took out my lungs, my voice, my heart. I ran out of the room down the hallway and let out a crying scream.
I had never witnessed life leaving this earth, especially someone who created me and saw me come into this earth. It was not fathomable. He was here and alive and now that breath and light were gone. Nothing prepared me for this depth of loss and pain – I felt like I was floating in space and time and nothing existed around me. Will I wake up and realize that the dream is over and, go back to the house I grew up. Would I wake up and hear my father calling me, “Er come down for dinner, or tell me to comb my hair, don’t forget a hat, to take care of your mother.” It all stopped in that one moment. That one pop. Life changed in that instant. How does life continue to exist, for me, at that moment, life stopped.
The air that filled the room was stale and cold. You could feel his spirt was no longer with us. Death had taken up space where hope, breath, life and a whole family that existed. Now there were three of us. I felt immense pain for my mother in that moment. The person who she had shared a life with for over 40 years will no longer be by her side, it would only be her, in the quiet house of distant memories; so empty and raw. How could she stay there, it would be so hard.
The moments following were a blur with the exception of a few. My father was a Veteran and he was being cared for at a VA hospital. It was 4:30 in the morning at this time. There was staff on hand including the nurses that cared for him that were expected to take him downstairs and say a soldiers farewell. We were asked if we wanted to go with them as part of the final ceremony. We joined a few of the staff in the hospital basement where members folded a flag and put on my father’s resting body while playing taps. It was beautiful and heart wrenching all at the same time. It was our final farewell to him and it was hard to leave that basement and moment. He was not coming home with us that day but we knew he was home somewhere else.
When we walked out of the hospital, the moon was still out before it gave way to the sun’s light. The sight was so beautiful, it took away my breath and touched my soul. The sky was a mix of light and darker blues spread with whisps of clouds with the beautiful sliver of the moon shining so warm and tender. The sky was giving way to morning. In that moment, I felt washed over with love and peace. Something much larger than me, in that moment arrived for my eyes to see. A beautiful life has left this earth but love and beauty were still here – right in front of me, singing, laughing, living with a big heart holding me and all of us in that moment.
Once again, I saw the moon, a familiar feeling and time in the place of loss. It was once again that feeling of bittersweet beauty, a space of realizing how grateful I was to be part of this life, my father apart of mine—an overwhelming feeling of connectedness to what it is to be alive. To know how precious each moment and interaction was with each other and this beautiful reminder, this message of how we are one part, piece of this infinite awe and wonder. The moon was my reminder, and it was my messenger. Like a gentle whisper or song.