Days and months following my father’s death felt like a state of unconsciousness, of heart ache that I had never known could exist. For some reason, I had in my head that I was prepared emotionally for this depth of pain, although I was mistaken. This emotion was not something the rational mind could reconcile, prepare for or process in advance. During this state, I still felt extremely raw, vulnerable and in a space and place that was somewhere not in the material world. During this time, miracles and reminders kept me close and near and connected to the Bittersweet Beauty. In deep pain and loss, I found and experienced life and love transcended.
The day my father died, we left the hospital and went to sleep for a few hours. That day was supposed to rain although it ended up being a beautiful warm fall day. When I woke, I was still not really awake. I could not believe that my father had left this earth and I would not be able to joke with him, laugh, see his face, hold his hand. I just wanted to find a place to process what had happened to cry and be alone. I decided to go and sit a beach down the street and before I went, I stopped at a breakfast store to grab something to eat. I walked in and saw a familiar face. I looked at her, ordered and started crying, letting her know that my father had just died and I apologized for crying. She came over and hugged me. She shared it was her father’s anniversary that same day. It was a moment of comfort and yet again a reminder of life reaching out and giving me comfort – sharing that I was not alone in that moment. It was an unexpected gift of the thread that connects us.
I went to the beach which was quiet and sat. It was a such a beautiful day with a soft breeze despite what the weather prediction was. I felt my father was present and with me. The wind was so gentle against my face and the waves so calming. I didn’t want to leave. It felt like in that moment, I was still with him and he was near, just in a different way. He was in the gentle breeze. I sat down and a leaf fell into my lap, similar to the one that gently fell into my father’s lap for our last walk together. I felt like I sat there for a entire day, where everything including time stood still. As if it was sunny the entire day and did not give into the darkness.
I felt him near, close with me. These gentle reminders and his presence continued.
When I had to get clothes for the funeral and mass, I was in the dressing room and something fell out of the pocket of the pants I was trying on. It was an angel with the word love on the back of it. I was confused at first and at check out asked the women if that was an item that they sold. She said, “no.”
I would find white marbles in my house, in my pockets and on the floor. We didn’t own anything with white marbles. I looked up the meaning of white marbles and found that it symbolizes purity and immortality.
I would go to the beach with my children and husband and find rocks in shape of hearts. And would see odd signs that looked like a shape of a heart.
Three weeks after my father had passed, my husband and I took our kids up north to visit an amusement park. We stopped at a random coffee and sandwich shop in a quaint center of town with not many people around. I went to order a coffee and waited. A women and a man were there, it was an acoustic session, one singing, one playing the guitar. It was beautiful, like a poem. I was not sure what the song was but it filled my heart and soul. It was if that song was being sung at that moment in time for, a reason, a purpose, as a reminder to me. I did catch the refrain of the song although couldn’t recall who sang it or how I remembered it. I felt my father there, telling, reminding me. I am here with you, you are not alone, you are loved and belong – don’t give up believing in yourself and the good of humanity, tell your story help people believe in themselves. At the end of the day, I finally recalled the song, and it was something I had not heard in a long time. The refrain in the song so gently was telling me, reminding me, the summary of life in three phrase; its not what you’ve got, its what you give, It’s not life you chose, it’s the life you live. Its only what you give. Don’t give up. Keep fighting for what is so valuable.
I found myself reflecting deeply at that moment, I want to live and know that I gave. The song, the refrain has been with me from that moment and has held on with a tight, relentless grip. Like a song in the background playing on loop, you have a choice, what are you going to do with it, how you are going to live a life that has purpose and meaning. How are you going to give back to what you have been so blessed to be given, in this life, in this moment.
One night my husband and I grabbed something to eat and we had to pick our kids up from my in-laws, it was about a month after my father had passed. It was an unusually windy night and was raining. As I shut the door of the car, a leaf fell on my lap. I said to my kids, that it must be pappa saying hello. As we drove home that night, with my children in the back seat, we witnessed a car crash right next to us and my husband swerved quickly and seemed to move us all the way to the other side of the road without being hit. It was inexplicable. While my husband is a good driver, I could not rationally see how we did not get hit. It felt like it was a miracle. I remembered the leaf that had fallen on my lap a few minutes earlier, and I knew my father was near and guided us in a different direction.